"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."

"You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity."

"If something is too hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV."

"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"

"Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa."

"The only completely consistent people are the dead."

"KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures."

"Experience does not ever err. It is only your judgment that errs in promising itself results which are not caused by your experiments."

"Maybe the greatest challenge now is to find a way to keep independence while also committing ourselves to the ties that bind people, families, and ultimately societies together."

"Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement."

"Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other."